Jealousy In Polygamy
Jealousy is probably the biggest problem for people that are new to polygamy. Women have been taught to think of each other as threats to what is theirs rather than possible partners.
Enforced monogamy means that a man is only available for one woman. This means that if he becomes fond of another woman then something is being taken from the one he is in a relationship with. It doesn't matter if you're best friends and happened to fall in love with the same man for the same reason. Society has turned that into a contest where there is a clear winner and a clear loser. And nobody wants to be the loser.
But what if you didn't have to think this way? What if, in the scenario that was just described, the two women understood why the other would fall in love with the same man, and neither wanted to take anything away from the other because they truly were their best friend?
What if they saw the possibility of building a life together with their best friend and the man they love? That would be quite different, wouldn't it? That's polygamy.
Jealousy Is A Natural Emotion
With anything that has great meaning to us, it is natural to want to protect it from others. If it's money, we put it in the bank. If it's jewelry, we put it in a safe. If it's your kids, you tell them to stay away from strangers.
If it's an emotion that has meaning to you, human nature is to hide that from other people because you don't trust them with the emotion that could hurt you.
Love covers all of those points. There are physical, emotional, and even spiritual components to a relationship. For most people, the people they love are more important than anything else in life. And, that's how it should be.
So when you feel that someone is encroaching on what is yours, or trying to take it away from you, it's natural to feel jealous and you should never feel bad or guilty for feeling that way.
You should never try to suppress feelings of jealousy in polygamy. And while that advice seems strange when we're talking about sharing your husband with a sister wife in a plural marriage, it's important to understand that the problem is not feeling jealous but why you feel that way.
Finding The Sources Of Jealousy
First, we need to determine why you are in a polygamous relationship, to begin with.
If polygamy was your partner's idea and you're just going with it, we would strongly encourage you to take some time to think about what you really want for your life and what kind of relationship would make you happy and fulfilled. Then, when you know that answer, sit your partner down and talk with them so you can come to an understanding of how you can both be happy or if you simply want different things in life.
In any case, you should not feel that you have to learn how to accept polygamy and jealousy. If you don't see the benefits for your own life and are not drawn to the lifestyle yourself, it's extremely difficult to ever make polyamory work.
If, however, you know that you want a life of polygamy but find that feelings of jealousy keep cropping up in your relationship, or you fear that it will, knowing where those feelings of jealousy come from can help tremendously.
Most jealousy is rooted in fear. You fear that your partner will like someone else more than yourself, that your sister wife will do something better than you, or that you will be replaced. You feel jealous because you fear not being good enough and are fearful of being replaced.
Fortunately, it's a near guarantee that your husband is not thinking either of those things. Rather, your sister wife's capabilities and skills reflect favorably on you.
For example, if you make dinner and she makes dessert he will be thinking about how great the meal was, not treating it as a competition. As sister wives, you are a team. As a man, he sees if he is happy and knows that both of you made that possible.
In a polygamous relationship, your sister wife will be better than you at some things. It's pretty much guaranteed. And you will be better than her at some things.
You both need to understand that what you give him is the benefits, skills, and strength of you both.
Any man worth much is going to see that as a tremendous gift from both of you.
The greatest thing that you and your sister wife can do to secure your place in the relationship, and soothe your jealousy, is to treat each other with love and as teammates. You should both want the same things in life and have the same goals for your family. There is little in life that is more uniting than that, and your husband will respect you both for it, probably more than you will know.
Feeling Left Out
Sometimes jealousy just comes from the feeling of being left out. Maybe your partner and sister wife went out for a nice evening while you had to take care of things at the house or at work. It makes sense, you had things to do and couldn't go, but you still feel left out because they are having a good time and you aren't there to share in it.
This is probably the hardest kind of jealousy to deal with, because it doesn't come from fear and isn't illogical, so it can't just be reasoned away. Rather, it's fact. They are having fun and you aren't. It's true, you're missing out.
But, it's also important to realize that it's not always that way in a relationship. Sometimes it's your sister wife that's missing out when you and your husband are doing something together, and she feels exactly the same as you. Other times, it's your husband working while you and your sister wife are having a great time.
We can't always share in everything together, even if everyone in the relationship would love for it to be so. Rather, we can be happy to do our part while the other ones are enjoying time together.
We don't begrudge our kids' time playing ball together simply because we can't be there having fun too or are doing chores. It's not a lot different, one must find joy in the happiness of the ones they love.
So many problems with polygamy can be avoided with good communication. Jealousy has a way of being the type of problem that just grows itself because it makes the person feel self-conscious and not speak about it while it's small.
If you have good communication in your relationship, both with your husband and sister wife, most of the time it will result in avoiding the feelings of jealousy in polygamy to begin with. And, when those feelings of jealousy do creep up, you can feel comfortable discussing them while they are small.
If you are not yet involved with polygamy, but fear that jealousy will be an issue, talk with your partner now. Tell him what you're worried about and how it makes you feel.
Let him know early on that this is a sensitive issue for you and you need to talk with him seriously, as guys don't always take issues of the heart as being quite as sensitive as they are.
If you're in a polygamous relationship already or are dating a polygamous couple, talk with your partner about your feelings as you first notice them. Dealing with them when they are small can keep them from getting big.
After you have talked with your husband, remember that your sister wife is your partner too. She deserves to know that you're feeling uncomfortable, or hurt.
If you're in the right relationship together, your sister wife would never want you to feel jealous and will feel good that you opened up about your feelings. Many times, just knowing how your sister wife felt about the same situation can soothe your own misgivings.
The Right Perspective
Polygamy is not always the easiest relationship dynamic. What makes it more complicated is that the more you care about your partners the more chances there are to get your feelings hurt accidentally. Love seems to work that way.
The best antidote for jealousy in polygamy is to maintain a close relationship with your sister wife. If the sister wives are each other's best friends, there is more trust, mutual consideration, and a tighter bond.
If you each know each other's biggest dreams, worries, and desires for life and work together to build the plural family you want every day, you truly feel that you are on the same team.
It takes opening yourself up and being vulnerable to being hurt by your sister wife before you can truly feel that she would never hurt you on purpose and just wants the same things you want. That is a beautiful thing.
Many women think "I don't share!", but it's not sharing. It's building and creating, together.
If sister wives have that outlook, there is very little reason to feel jealous of each other and you can feel the full benefits and advantages of polygamy.